The Strong One

2007-10-30T08:48:08Z

Last night my dad died. It was sudden, it was unexpected and it was something I cannot comprehend. My dad was 59 years old. He complained of chest pain to my mum and 2 hours later he was dead. No one got to say goodbye, no one got to tell him that they loved him. No one got to say anything. After that I had to ring my family, my brother, my sister, nanna and aunt. I had to tell them that my dad had died, and I got to hear grief, real grief and shock, in it’s rawest form and it’s something I’m not sure I will ever get over.

I’m the strong one. I’m the one that hasn’t cried, that hasn’t grieved. I’m the one that answers the phone, filters the calls, makes sure my mother is eating and sleeping, that the animals are fed. I’m the one that made sure my brother knew so he could fly down, that my sister was okay on her trip over. I’m the youngest. I’m 32 years old and suddenly I’m the strong one. I suffer depression, I can cry at the drop of a hat, and now, now there are no tears. Does that make me a bad daughter?

My dad and I didn’t always get along, we were too alike and too stubborn to both admit we might be wrong. He drank a lot and when he drank he said things that hurt, he didn’t mean to. He loved us, his kids, his grandkids, my mother. He loved us but couldn’t tell us because he simply didn’t know how. There was no hugs from my dad, not really, no love yous or I care. But he gave us everything he had. He was protective and he was the first person any of us called if something was wrong. It didn’t matter what time of night it was, it didn’t matter if we lived half a country away, we called Dad. In this last year my dad and I became extremely close. He lost his job six months ago, and we spent every morning together because I work nights.

I can’t believe he’s gone. He wasn’t sick, he never had pains in his chest, he always said that his heart was the healthiest part of him. That was a lie. He’s gone to the coroner and we cant even bury him, it could be a week before we get his body back. I’m empty and I don’t know what to do.. because I’m the strong one, but I’m also just a little girl who lost her dad.

dragonmagic16 @ 2006-08-16T09:07:00

2006-08-16T08:11:11Z

After being in England for five months, we decided I should see the country. London is great but busy, and smoggy, it has smog people! I’m a country girl at heart, rasied in counry Australia, living in..well.. not so country South Australia but still.. England is the mother land it’s meant to be lush and green.

So we packed our bags, - my bag weighed that much that I could feel myself going backwards a few times, silly me decided to take my lap top, my lap top weighs like 5 or 6 kilos on it’s own! That maybe a slight exaggeration, on how much I packed and on how much the lap top weighs – but it FELT like that much!!

It was raining, did you know it’s winter where I live and they have hardly any more rain, and it’s the same temperature as here? Anyway I digress, we were off to see the wizard (well in our case the Oracle of all knowledge), and that was exciting, even if it was raining – I didn’t have to drive..hehe.

We made it, just. I did hang on a little bit when we were going through some roads, but I trusted Lindsay – honest!!!!!! So arriving I get out of the car and cling to Lynn, well alright I didn’t cling, but I wanted to! After the cars were eventually sorted – gotta love shared driveways, we went inside to meet the small fuzzy and the Oracle.

No one actually believes me when I say I am shy around new people, they sorta look at me and laugh – well ask Vicky and Laura if I am shy. They thought they had scared me, (which in truth they had but shhh don’t tell them that.) Dark Fort.. I gotta leave that place if Laura is in charge..let’s just say..everyone is going to be dead eventually! !

If anyone is wondering, yes Vicky can cook!! We had wonderful food that was put on by Vicky and her mother – and in true Australian Barbie style – there was hardly any greenery but lots and lots of meat! I like MEAT. The view – I have to say Vicky has one of the BEST views from her patio that I have seen in a very very very long time. I am so jealous that it’s unbelievable. I also kept seeing things, I’m sure someone in spirit was in that house – Vicky says they came in with me, who am I to argue with the Oracle?

So for the rest of the day we talked (ok they talked I listened) and we found out the secrets of the BoD – yes they entrusted us with.. ok with nothing but still, it sounded good. We did presents too, I got SHINIES. *clutches them tightly* I love shinies..

After that we trundled to the B&B, got settled in our rooms and collapsed. There was not that much sleep to be had, strange bed, strange room and no fan noise. I can’t sleep without a fan so that was fun (not).

The next day we were up bright and early – yaye for my body (not) and after a good hearty full English breakfast I fell in love. Yes me, fell in love, with Pepper, the owners dog. You have to understand I love dogs, I can not remember a time when I went for more than a month without having one, and I’ve been in the UK for five months

We trundled off to the Wells Cathedral which is lovely.. and big.. It all took on a new light after Vicky told us the TRUE story behind it’s conception but still, it was big, ancient and pretty. You can light candles in there for people, I lit one for people that I loved, 4 in all, not that I don’t love more people than that but you know. I got some magnets (go me) ok they are for my mum.

After dragging myself from there, I love old reglious sites, doesn’t matter what religion, we went trotting to Glastonbury. My ears rang with the sound of Lindsay’s swearing as we went on the hunt for some ancient trees. We didn’t find them. Oh well, I love trees but I communed with younger ones instead and all was well. We walked around for an hour, just looking at shops and stuff. There are…strange… people in that town. I made Lindsay drive back up the hill so that I could take photo’s of the Tor (fancy name for a very large hill) that I refused to climb. Sure I’ve climbed Ayres rock but come on people.. NO.

After that small adventure we went to Clarkes Village. A retail factory shopping centre type thing. Shopping! Yaye (insert sarcasim,) I am one of the very few females that like shopping (ha ha) I dislike it with a passion but I was willing to go there and look around.

We caught Vicky and Laura, pounced them, told them we were STALKING them and viloa, life was good. We watched Laura go on a shopping spree, but at unfortunately we were not subject to the scar…. Under a magnifying glass again. It sort of makes you sick when you watch a small fuzzy going around saying things were too big. Yep I doubt I could fit a leg into one of them but oh well. We learnt MORE secrets, like the and celery on the xxx list and things like that. It was a fun afternoon – for me at least, I’m sure Laura and Vicky were saying thank god that was over by the end of it!!

Back home, another collapse moment because we’d walked for miles.. and miles.

So for our last day in the South West we headed back to Glastonbury, I wanted a tattoo, rather badly, but the shop was packed so I made Lindsay leave (sorry I can’t handle crowds in small spaces well) and then we walked around for a bit more.

Leaving there we headed to Stonehenge, were I just sat back in awe at how old they were. Although you can’t get close, there are lots of people and traffic, I loved the stones, I could have stayed there for hours (if there weren’t so many people and I wasn’t feeling the harsh sting of internet withdrawal.) We took photos with the Bean and the Pony. I brought MORE magnets (yaye).

Finally we got home. Did I collapse with lack of sleep and physically tiredness? Noooo first thing I did was jump online.. I am sad.. I know. It was an adventure though, and it was the REAL England, it was pretty, green and had open spaces…. Oh and roads that you had to stop for other cars cause it was so narrow – with hedges. Plus the smell of cow dung – now that’s what I call England.